


Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition

by DodgerBear



Series: Sex Advice, Milkovich-style [2]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Cheesy, Fluffy, Humour, M/M, Married Life, Mickey gives out advice like sweets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25318978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DodgerBear/pseuds/DodgerBear
Summary: Mickey finds himself drawn deeper into the lives of some straight guys in need of advice.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: Sex Advice, Milkovich-style [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833898
Comments: 74
Kudos: 346





	Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition

**Author's Note:**

> This probably could be read as a stand-alone without much confusion but it follows directly after Expect The Unexpected so it might be good to start there.
> 
> Thank you for reading! 🧡

“All I’m saying is...” Mickey slurped on his soda and raised his brows at his husband. “...next time you wanna fool around in public, don’t pick the place you love eating in the most.”

Ian rolled his eyes and watched as Mickey leaned over to swipe a jalapeño from the side of his plate. “The next time _I_ wanna fool around? I think someone is forgetting how that night went down.”

“I know exactly _who_ went down.” Mickey leered with a salacious grin. 

“Regretted that immediately when you realized I’d been guzzling hot sauce five minutes earlier huh.” Ian teased. He slapped Mickey’s hand away when he tried to steal another jalapeño and received a rigid middle finger in response. Chipotle was packed when they left work so they decided on a hole in the wall Mexican place on the way to the L that did burritos so big Mickey’s eyes watered when he tried to fit it in his mouth. Not unlike when he tried to put Ian’s...

“Mickey Milkovich. Stop it now. I know what you’re doing.” Ian snapped. 

“What?” The dark haired man huffed indignantly. “I didn’t fuckin do anything!”

“You were thinking dirty thoughts. I can tell. I can always tell. You get that look in your eyes.”

“What is it with you and the looks I get in my eyes? Can’t a guy appreciate the girth of his burrito without the Spanish Inquisition?”

“Okay. First off, don’t ever say the word girth to me again. I hate that word almost as much as I hate moist. And second, do you even know what the Spanish Inquisition is?”

“Just that nobody ever expects it.” Mickey shrugged and Ian didn’t know if he was kidding. Mickey had such a dry and deadpan sense of humor that he could deliver a line and keep a straight face like he invented comedy. Sometimes it left Ian wondering if Mickey was the smartest guy in the world or the dumbest. His money was on smartest. Dumb people didn’t make killer Monty Python jokes. 

“This burrito beats Taco Bell anyway.” Mickey replied around a mouthful of spicy beans and rice. “Gonna draw the line right now and say we are not fucking in this place. I don’t wanna get banned for life from a place that does burritos this good.” 

Ian chuckled and nodded his agreement. “I don’t disagree. But just know that if I crawled under this table and started sucking your dick right now you would take it like a man and find a new burrito joint to eat in.”

Mickey wanted to argue. He really, truly did. But he had promised to never lie to his husband so instead he scowled and flipped him off again. 

Mickey was chatting around the minty foam as he brushed his teeth in the bathroom of their home later that night while Ian was finishing off a report for work. He was still part of the training program in the law firm he worked for so he wanted to impress and do well. Working after hours pissed Mickey off sometimes but he understood Ian’s desire to succeed. He always knew his ginger was destined for bigger and better things so he could hardly complain when Ian put the time and work into getting there. Well, he did complain. But just a little and always playfully. 

“So you just unloaded a shit ton of unsolicited advice on the poor guys?” Ian chuckled when Mickey recounted his day. 

“Poor guys my ass. The way they were talking about their women? Disgusting. If I heard anyone talking about Mandy like that I would cut off their balls and staple them to their forehead.”

“Imagery is everything.” Ian nodded. “But still, you offering up advice on romance? That kinda ranks up there with Carl being asked to run a Health and Safety workshop.”

Mickey glared at his husband. “Fuck you. I am delightful.”

“You’re an unusual brand of romantic. But you are romantic I guess.” Ian conceded with a nod. “I mean, not many other guys would flip their shit because the chairs weren’t right for their wedding day.”

“I wanted everything to be perfect.” Mickey mumbled sullenly and crawled into bed beside Ian.

“It was _beyond_ perfect.” Ian acknowledged. “And so is your ass, so get your boxers off and show me.”

Mickey blushed at the sudden diversion. “You remember where my ass is, Mr Studious Nerd.”

“Fuck you. I tapped that ass six hours ago.”

Mickey grinned wickedly at Ian’s retort. “I know. Really put a bounce in my step.”

“Well allow me to turn you out and turn you into Tigger.” Ian snapped closed his laptop and pounced on his husband. 

Mickey finally made it to the 14th floor men’s room the following day and faced his nemesis, the leaking faucet he’d fixed twice already this month. He hated being outfoxed by inanimate objects. A few guys in suits wandered in and out to use the facilities while he worked on the sink. He stripped back the pipe work and replaced each tiny part with brand new shiny ones. As lunch time got closer the flow of traffic into the men’s room got busier but Mickey was tucked safely away in the corner out of their way. Or so he thought. 

“I had sex last night!”

Mickey’s head snapped up and he reeled around to find the bearded man from the meeting the day before rocking on his heels with sheer glee. Mickey glanced around furtively and found several pairs of eyes fixed on him, confusion and intrigue filling the air. 

“Uhm...congratulations?”

“Thanks!”

“Why are you telling me this?”

The man seemed to notice they were being watched by just about every male on the 14th floor so, with a slight blush, ushered Mickey further into the corner. If he thought it was giving them privacy he was very much mistaken. Everyone could still see and hear everything. 

“It was all thanks to you! I followed your advice!”

Mickey scratched nervously at the back of his neck. “Great.”

A second later the door opened and another man appeared, grinning brightly when they spotted Mickey. David, the leader of the meeting the day before, almost skipped across to Mickey. 

“I had sex last night!”

Mickey jolted in horror when the men at the urinals gaped at them in utter disbelief. “Holy fuck. What is this? Tell the janitor your life story day? I had sex last night too but you don’t see me walking up to total strangers and confessing all do you?”

“YOU had sex?” Bearded man yelled, drawing even more attention to them. “Twice in a _day_?”

Mickey crossed his arms across his chest. “What? No. Three times.”

“THREE?” David gasped. 

“Sure.” Mickey shrugged, giving in to the embarrassing debacle these men had created. The best he could hope to achieve now was to come out of this looking like a stud. “I never leave the house without a good, hearty breakfast.”

“You’re not talking about eggs and coffee, are you?” David murmured in awe. 

“No, sir. No I am not.” Mickey’s brows wiggled. 

“Jesus Christ. How do you do it?” Bearded Man sighed heavily. “Tell me your ways.”

“Look dude. I don’t even know your name. You want me to stand in a men’s room and tell you about my sex life? This has got a police sting written all over it.” Mickey snorted and bent to pick up his spanner. 

“Colin. My name is Colin.” The man blurted and Mickey screwed up his face. 

“Ugh. My brother is called Colin. This is weird.”

“Please. I am begging you.” Colin clasped his hands together. “Now I’ve experienced it, I need more.”

Mickey glanced to the ceiling and mouthed a curse word. “I do not get paid for this shit.”

David nodded. “After work, we should go for drinks. On me. You can tell us everything you know.”

Mickey gaped incredulously. “Are you joking? Why would I wanna go for drinks with a couple of boring suits? No offence.”

“None taken.” Colin drawled sarcastically. “We’ll throw in dinner. Come on. You have all the secrets. You could save our marriages!”

Mickey’s eyes narrowed. “Or I could save a couple of women from a lifetime of shitty sex.”

“Help us be better!” David begged. 

“By better you mean help you stay rich and avoid alimony right?” Mickey grinned. 

David at least had the decency to blush. “Please.”

“Fine.” Mickey agreed, holding up his hand to stop them from getting too excited. “But Ian comes along too. And you pay for him.”

“Done.” Colin grinned happily and held out his hand. 

Mickey glared at it. “Wash your damn hands.”

Ian found Mickey in the lobby of the office block at six in the evening, surprised to see him looking quite refreshed after a day at work. Mickey’s ability to fix things - from heating systems to bipolar redheads - never ceased to amaze Ian. He smiled warmly and pecked his husband on the lips, excited to get home and eat dinner in front of The Sopranos. He didn’t have any work to do at home so in Ian’s mind it was going to be a night of relaxing with his man and maybe some fooling around on the couch. 

“You look nice.”

Mickey bit his lip and Ian knew immediately there was something afoot. 

“What?” He demanded. 

“I...uh...said I’d go out with this guy after work for drinks.”

Ian’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “I’m sorry, what? I don’t think I heard you right cuz I’m pretty sure you just told me YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER MAN!”

Mickey reeled back. “Hold up. What?”

“Going for drinks with some guy? Really Mick?”

“Fuck. Fuck no! Both of us, I mean. You and me!” Mickey hastily tried to rectify the shitstorm he’d just created. “It’s the guys from that meeting yesterday. They want me to tell them how to get laid.”

Ian glared suspiciously. “Thought you did that already.”

“I did. And it worked. So now they want me to tell them how to get it on the regular.” 

Ian felt his anger deflate but he sniffed and folded his arms over his broad chest. “So you’re a sex coach for a bunch of straight guys now?”

“Okay, Drama Princess, calm your tits. It’s just a few drinks.”

“And what if I just want to go home, eat chicken nuggets and stick my hand down your pants.”

Mickey shrugged widely. “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

“Stop quoting Meatloaf at me. Where are we going?” Ian snapped. 

“That bar around the corner. Pink Porcupine or whatever. Some gay as fuck name for a straight bar.”

Ian grumbled under his breath and stomped out of the building. “It’s the Purple Peacock, dumbass.”

David and Colin were already sitting at a large round table in a corner booth and Martin was at the bar. He waved at Mickey and pointed to the beers on the counter. Mickey waved back in agreement and slumped into the booth. 

“Mickey!” Colin cheered his arrival. “Thank you for coming.”

“No worries. This is Ian.”

Ian slid in next to Mickey and pressed up against his side while he greeted the men. Martin returned to the table with a tray of beers and set them down. Once everyone was introduced to Ian they got started on the drinks. 

“So you guys have been together a long time...” Colin looked from Mickey to Ian and back again. 

“Yeah.” Mickey agreed. “Fuckin forever.”

“How do you keep it fresh?” David murmured nervously. “It just seems like the United Nations get involved every time I want to get lucky.”

Ian covered his snort with his hand and waited for Mickey’s pearls of wisdom to spew forth. He had no idea how his husband had somehow been roped into sex advice for a bunch of middle aged men but he was interested to see how it worked out. 

“You got photos of your ladies?” Mickey asked bluntly. 

The three men scrambled to unlock their phones and found pictures of their respective wives. Mickey nodded at each photo and sat back, sipping on his beer. “Alright. The way I see it? Simple mathematical problem.” 

Ian’s mouth fell open at the ease and confidence Mickey was displaying with these men. They were hanging on his every word. 

“How so?” Martin asked. 

“She’s a 10 and you’re a 6.” Mickey shrugged. “6 only goes into 10 once.”

The three men opposite Mickey gazed at him like he had just explained the theory of relativity. Ian couldn’t hold back his snort of amusement. 

“So what do you suggest he does, Mick? Drop a point so he can get into her twice?”

Mickey glared at Ian but Martin waved away Ian’s criticism. “He’s right. She is so much more attractive than me.”

“Of course she is. She’s twenty years younger than you!” Ian shot back. 

“You’re totally punching above your weight.” Mickey agreed with Ian. “But so am I, and I still get it three times a day so we just have to figure out...”

“Woah!” Ian spun to face Mickey. “Hold the fuck up.”

“What?”

“You think that? You think you’re punching above your weight with me?” Ian spluttered. 

Mickey blushed and shrugged. “Sure.”

“WHAT THE FUCK? How? Why would you even think that?”

“Got eyes don’t I?” Mickey retorted. 

“And zero brain cells, apparently. Jesus Mickey. Have you seen yourself? I’m a walking erection every time you’re within a mile of me.” Ian told him bluntly. 

Mickey’s blush deepened. “Shut up.”

“Fuck you no I won’t shut up.” Ian snapped. “You’re the hottest guy I’ve seen in my life. Period.”

“Yeah well same goes.” Mickey grinned shyly and accepted Ian’s kiss when he pulled him in. A gentle cough from across the table drew them out of it and they grinned adorably. 

“Sorry. I get carried away around him.” Ian stated, looking anything but sorry. 

Colin smiled back. “It’s nice. You guys obviously still have the spark.”

“We do. We definitely do.” Mickey nodded. 

“Where do you find the time?” David sighed heavily. “There’s just not enough hours in the day.”

Mickey shrugged again. “That’s just an excuse, man. You can make time. We have a lot going on too but we always seem to have time to fuck.”

Ian nodded along. “You gotta shower before work, right? So fuck in the shower. You both sleep in the same bed? Fuck in bed.”

Martin groaned. “You make it sound so easy!”

Mickey and Ian shared a glance and smiled. It hadn’t really occurred to them that maybe they were the anomaly and these guys were the norm. 

They ordered burgers and more beers and ate in companionable silence. Ian picked the tomato out of Mickey’s burger stack and Mickey stabbed Ian on the back of the hand when he swooped back in to steal an onion ring. Ian rubbed the spot and gazed balefully at his husband. 

“You’re mean as fuck, you know that?”

“I told you. I am a fucking delight.”

Martin began to chuckle quietly and the pair looked at him with raised eyebrows. 

“What’s funny?” Mickey challenged. 

“Nothing. It’s just weird. I didn’t expect you to be gay.”

Ian’s brows danced on his forehead while Mickey snorted. “I’m not. He is. I just like having another man’s dick in my ass.”

“Jesus Christ Mickey.” Ian groaned under his breath, handing Martin a napkin to wipe his chin after his beer spurted everywhere. 

“Thanks.” Martin coughed. 

Mickey grinned wickedly and popped some fries into his mouth. “Nobody ever expects us to be gay. It’s a party piece now when we start making out in front of strangers. Freaks them out.”

Ian chewed his food thoughtfully. “Blows my mind that we can even do that now. Mickey was so far in the closet when we met that his best friend was Mr Tumnus.”

“Really?” David gasped. “You seem so confident, so sure about yourself.”

“Well I am now. Thanks to this guy.” Mickey elbowed Ian in the side. “Once we started up I was never gonna be able to give him up.”

Ian smiled softly at Mickey’s honesty, ignoring Mickey when he took advantage of his softness to steal a mozzarella stick from Ian’s plate. 

“I met my wife when she was a dancer at a club downtown. All my friends told me it was a mistake. She was only after my money and once she had it she would move on.” Martin sighed ruefully. “But I think deep down she really does love me. I want to give her the things she wants in life. I want to have a proper marriage.”

Mickey sighed loudly and sat back in his seat. “Have you...have _any_ of you...tried actually talking to these women? You’re sitting here buying dinner for a couple of fags you barely know when you should be taking your ladies out for dinner. Wining and dining them. Talking to them. Hearing about what the bitches at the country club are up to. Thanking them for raising your kids while you’re in the office or on the golf course. They’re human beings. ASK them what they want.” 

The table fell silent after Mickey’s impassioned speech. Colin’s mouth opened and closed without making a sound. David dropped his fork. 

“Sex is fucking amazing with this guy. Like, eyes popping out of my head and makes me wanna cry kinda sex. But fuck me, hearing about his day at work while we cook mac and cheese in our underwear makes me the happiest fucker on the planet. It’s that simple. You’re treating these women like possessions. She’s there to cook, clean, raise kids, fuck on demand and look gorgeous on your arm when you need to show off how beautiful your family is. Fuck that, man. Get to know the woman you married. That’s the best fuckin foreplay you can get.”

Ian gazed imperiously at his husband. “Mick. We need to go...”

Mickey narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Huh? Why?”

“We gotta go before I fuck you right here on this table.”

The four men at the table stared at Ian like he was crazy and Mickey started to laugh. 

“Seriously?”

Ian downed the last mouthful of his beer and nodded. “Turns out listening to your sex advice really does it for me.”

Mickey’s laughter was joyful. “But I’m not finished...”

Ian abruptly rose to his feet, his expression hard and unmovable. “Now Mikhailo.”

Mickey wiped his mouth on his napkin and stood up, smiling apologetically at their new acquaintances. “Sorry guys. That’s not a demand I can ignore.”

Colin chuckled. “Of course not.”

“God speed.” Martin winked. 

David waved them off with a smile. “Thanks guys. We should do this again sometime. Maybe with our better halves.”

Ian impatiently tugged on Mickey’s hand as the older man saluted his agreement. They tumbled out onto the street and Ian swept Mickey up into a deep kiss. 

“Damn Gallagher. I gotta arrange dates with other guys more often.” 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want more, let me know!


End file.
